True Islam

(also available in Dutch)

Ever since the relationships between the Occident and the Orient have been soured by 9/11, Muslims and islamapologists occasionally mention "True Islam". And "True Islam", ladies and gentlemen, well, it certainly must be something fantastic and awe-inspiring. People go all misty-eyed and gooey just talking about it. How sad it is, they say, that we, dumb frightened westerners, fail to appreciate the beauty of True Islam. No way those terrorist attacks have anything to do with True Islam. Quite the contrary: True Islam shows all of us the way to paradise on earth. True Islam is a beacon of love, tolerance and respect! True Islam will provide the final solution to end world hunger. True Islam will prove to be an effective medicine against cancer, AIDS, angst and nasal infections, yes, True Islam will make men want to fall into each others arms, and weep tears of joy. We could talk about it for hours on end! Oh, how we wish to make it clear to you what heavenly bliss you're missing out on, only because you seem eager to make such a childish fuss about a few accidental bombings. Why won't you accept that True Islam has nothing to do with all that? And then they shake their heads in utter disappointment and disbelief.

But even though I really try, I can never seem to figure out what True Islam really stands for. And that is weird, because there's nothing wrong with my brain, and when it comes to solving problems, it seems to have served me with adequate deductive powers over the years. So, I resort to asking questions about True Islam. I will ask, for example: look, over there! Two towers are hit by airplanes, and look, a Muslim terrorist blows himself to bits! How terrifying! Is that what True Islam is all about? Oh no, you silly person! the islamapologists will respond. This violence has nothing to do with True Islam; you are just afraid because you are not familiar with True Islam. Try and understand the Koran --- then you will learn all about our beautiful way of thinking.

Well, that seems perfectly reasonable, doesn't it? It should not try and judge matters I'm unfamiliar with. Hey look! Here it says all unbelievers should be beaten to death. And here it says that Muslims should do their utmost to spread Islam, even if this means going to war over it. And here it says women are unworthy, and can be beaten if you see fit. And here it says you are allowed to lie to unbelievers, and steal from Jews, and keep slaves. Hmmm, this piece of literature is, shall we say, hardly elevating is it? So is this True Islam, then? No, you silly person! they say. You shouldn't try to understand True Islam by reading the Koran, because only imams and Islamic scribes are able to do that. Non-Muslims who study the Koran will only come to the wrong conclusions. And well, you will never get to know True Islam if you base your understanding on the wrong conclusions, will you?

Oh well, I guess I'll just have to accept that as the gospel truth then, won't I? But maybe I can find out more about True Islam by examining the way in which Islam has arranged for equality between the sexes. Look! A walking blanket with a little spy hole. And look! Women that are beaten black and blue, and women that are stoned to death, and women that are circumcised. And look! The amazing invisible women, fully alienated from social discourse, locked away as they've been inside their kitchen cupboards for over 25 years. And look over there: little Islamic boys who, despite their age, have learned that some day they might have to slit the throat of their mother, wife, sister, cousin, niece, aunt or daughter in order to preserve their honor. Would that be True Islam then? A boiling pot filled with misogyny, cuntfear, and castration anxiety? No, you silly person! they will say. You should listen to those semi-integrated college muslimas that are put into the limelight by your typical radical-feminist-turned-radical-dhimmi intellectuals like Karen Armstrong. These hybrids will explain to you how True Islam regards a woman as a glorious pearl, and how the headscarf is proof that the emancipation of the Islamic female is going great! In fact, there is anecdotal evidence about a certain Teheran woman who went to the butcher all by herself to order three lamb chops, and for this, she was only mildly reprimanded by the clerical council. So Islamic women's lib is doing just fine!

Ah, I see! Well, I guess we're going to have to wait for that one. But in the meantime, let's find out what the Islamic viewpoints on legislation and government have produced so far. Look! Afghanistan! A giant rubble-filled building-site, in which the entire population has to nourish itself off the milk of three goats. And look, there is Iran, where they find it more important to deploy their intellectual resources for developing an atom bomb, rather than quake-proof building constructions. Ow, look! There's beautiful Saudi-Arabia, where people are lapidated and decapitated, and where five families are hauling in oil money by the shipload while the rest of the population is starving to death. Is this then the result of True Islam? Sadistic dystopian dictatorships filled with misery and poverty? No, you silly person! the islamapologists will answer. Those countries obviously have nothing to do with True Islam. Those countries have clearly implemented sharia law in the wrong way, because True Islam will only offer love, riches and mercy for each and everyone! Hallelujah! And just maybe, when we usurp the next country, True Islam will succeed in establishing paradise on earth.

OK, so that's the deal there! But, if True Islam is such a blessing for mankind, perhaps True Islam is best expressed in all kinds of dazzling works of art, or brilliant scientific insights. Look, here we have Islamic Nobel-prize winners --- all six of them, of which one guy actually won the Nobel peace prize for leading a bunch of terrorists for half his life. Oh, and look over there! Islamic art! Thirty-five miles of calligraphed scroll, two jars of clay and a piece of burlap cloth. Wow! And listen! Is that Islamic music? Endlessly repeated moans without harmony or counterpoint? It's almost like Bach, but not quite. And where can I see Islamic technological innovations? Where is the Islamic air and space program? Where are all those Islamic cars, weapons and computer that do not need to be acquired from the perfidious West? No, you silly person! they will say. Don't you realize True Islam is elevated far above earthly matters like music or technology? You shouldn't judge True Islam on a material level; you should look at the higher morality of True Islam. That is something you people in the West might learn a thing or two from!

I'm sorry --- did you say 'higher morality'? In my book, higher morality is a form of insight that soars high above mundane and the vanities of the ego. To me, higher morality should make a person meeker, and more tolerant. To me, higher morality should cause a person to act wisely and profoundly, even, or rather, especially, in crisis situations; that a person under pressure does not instinctively think of himself, but is able to, leaning on his higher insight, maintain a relative outlook.

But what do Muslims under pressure react like? During the times of the riots in Paris, the TV showed footage of four socially challenged persons. Amongst burning wreckage, they leaned out of their car windows, and shouted at the camera: Hey Sarkozy! We're gonna fuck your mother! And last week the news showed us footage from Afghanistan. A tormented village elder expressed his deepest feelings about a fellow villager who, to his taste, conspired with the Americans too much: Hmm, I'm gonna fuck the wife of that bastard! Did you say 'higher morality'? To me, it seems to be more like a form of regression to men's lowest instincts. Isn't this what Islamic phenomena like honor killings and the headscarf are all about? Isn't this what the Islamic preference for corporal punishment and stoning is all about? Isn't this the driving force behind all those terrorist attacks, and the murder of Theo van Gogh? Isn't this the reason why Muslims all over the world are generally extremely quick to resort to battle and violence? I can't see any higher morality. All I can see is a lower morality; reflex actions of an instinct that feels threatened.

Dear Muslims, I really, really try! Please tell me, where can I find the splendors of your beautiful religion? What exclusive Islamic spiritual truths are going to make this world a little better? Where are all the glorious Islamic utopian states, based on Mohammed's enlightened insights? Where can I see the results of the superior morality you so confidently take pride in? And come to think of it, where is Allah? You chime about your faith, yet you wish to take no responsibility for its deeds or its sources. Do you know what I think? I think your True Islam doesn't exist at all. I think your True Islam is exactly the Islam we can read about in the newspapers every day; the Islam we do well to fear. True Islam has nothing to offer when it comes to higher morality. True Islam is stuck and preoccupied with men's most primitive urges; fear, survival, control, sexuality and struggle. Your True Islam is led by the same instincts as a pack of herding wolves. When, oh when, will you find this out?